I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
