I want to make a zoo with you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
