I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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