last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
