i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
