I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
