I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.