4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues