That's intense
4 words: hood of his car
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
