I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
50% drunk capacity currently
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
