8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
