How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
