He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
