Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
