Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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