"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
