I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
