new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
