if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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