So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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