i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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