I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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