weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
