It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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