Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
