Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
