It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
