did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
