You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
