I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
