I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
