I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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