good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
