Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
