I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
