What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
