Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
