I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
