but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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