I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
