so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
