I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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