ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
