I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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