so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
