Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
