She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
