why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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