I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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