Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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