i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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