If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize