and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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