ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
