R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
