well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
