Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She needs sedatives and a leash
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
