i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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