So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
