cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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