Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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