SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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